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The internet. This place where we pretend we come to to get sports scores but really just use to masturbate with is, by all accounts, mostly a hellscape of terrible memes, bad LeBron takes, Donald Trump Did a Racist Thing Again news, and Twitter. Sometimes — not often — but sometimes, however, the Internet can be a glorious place where the free exchange of ideas and perspective helps mankind shake its ever-thickening abeyant malaise to get back to the goal of achieving the heights of what Epictetus called “making the best use of what’s in our power” as a species.

And with the Avengers: Endgame theory that Ant-Man should totally kill Thanos by flying up into his ass and then growing giant, we’ve done just that.

This theory was posited a little over five months ago on Reddit then expanded on Twitter by @filmgloss, and it damn well needs to be the way Avengers: Endgame (in theaters April 26) ends or so help me I will protest by walking into the lobby of my movie theater, taking off my shoes, and dipping my feet in the slushie machine.

The idea is simple. The 285 or so Marvel movies that have come out have shown us that Scott Lang (aka Ant-Man) can shrink himself down to microscopic quantum levels. He can also grow into a 60-foot giant (he also happened to survive The Snap, if that means anything). We’ve seen him shrink down to get himself out of a pickle before. In Captain America: Civil War and in Ant-Man and the Wasp, we saw him grow giant and fuck some shit up Godzilla-style. So, with this information in mind, the theory posits that Ant-Man would simply shrink down small enough to enter Thanos’ asshole then, once deep inside the Titan’s dark mauve rectum, grow into a giant.

Boom, Thanos explodes via his shithole, he is dead, roll credits, onto the next 271 Marvel movies.

One can argue that the two most frustrating parts about Avengers: Infinity War were the times the heroes blew their shot at taking Thanos out. The first and most egregious fuck up was when Peter Quill (aka Star Lord) threw a giant hissy when he found out Gamora was dead and ruined the team’s best chance at bodying that purple sociopath once and for all. Then there was Thor’s pissing in the punchbowl when he failed to strike Thanos in the head with his hammer. Thanos even told Thor he should have gone for the head when he said — and this is a direct quote — “You should have gone for the head.”

Good grief, Thor. What the hell good is having the power to wield Mjolnir* if you’re not going to smash people in the face with it? Nordic God of Thunder my dick.

Anyway, this places us firmly in film symmetry-land. The place where movies circle back to an original point that ties shit together. So, instead of the obvious “going for the head” move, this time the Avengers need to go for the ass. Literally.

It would be epically glorious, and a befitting way for such a monster of a movie villain to go out. The dude snapped half the universe out of existence with his Michael Jackson glove. If this were real life, he would be considered a war criminal on par with despots like Adolf Hitler and Muammar Gaddafi (who, if reports are to be believed, happened to meet his own demise via the butt in a most heinous manner. Google it!). The punishment should fit the crime, is all I’m saying.

It would also be placed right up there with the greatest movie deaths of all time.

Hans Gruber falling off the skyscraper in Die Hard.

Sonny getting shot up in the causeway in The Godfather.

Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea.

The Nazis face melting at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Colonel Kurtz getting hacked to death in Apocalypse Now.

James Cagney yelling “Top o’ the world, Ma!” at the end of White Heat.

The guy that blows up like a balloon and explodes in Big Trouble In Little China.

The guy that blows up like a balloon and explodes at the end of Live And Let Die.

HAL singing “Daisy” in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

This guy:

And, now, Thanos getting his ass blown the fuck up in Avengers: Endgame.

This needs to happen. I’m sorry. There simply is no way I’m going to sit in the theater for 4 god damn hours only to watch Thanos be defeated by the Avengers Working Out Their Differences And Using Their Powers In Unison Because, TEAMWORK!

Fuck that.

Anything less than having Ant-Man crawling into this giant purple dick’s anus and then blowing him up into ash is going to be the biggest cinematic letdown since George Lucas introduced us to Darth Vader as a little kid who screams out shit like, “Now THIS is pod racing!”

Alas, it probably won’t go down that way. Because everyone hates fun.

Just like the Internet, Hollywood can suck sometimes.

*Yes I know Thor uses Stormbreaker in that scene but Mjolnir makes for a better joke calm down, nerds.

 

Chris Joseph (@ByChrisJoseph) is a host of Ballscast, and has written for Deadspin, Miami New Times, CBS Sports, and several other outlets.